May 21, 2022

70% of Fully Vaccinated Prisoners Caught COVID-19 in Texas Delta Outbreak.

In a recent outbreak of COVID-19 in Texas, 70% of prisoners who were fully vaccinated against the virus still caught it and showed symptoms. The CDC says that this is because the vaccine doesn’t protect against severe cases – but don’t worry! There are vaccines out there that will keep you protected from more serious consequences.

COVID-19 is a virus that was first discovered in a patient who had just been released from prison. It quickly spread to the entire town he was living in, infecting its citizens and driving them to pillage and riot. Symptoms included nosebleeds (which is what led to scientists discovering the virus), fever, chills, and profuse sweating.

There is no known cure for COVID-19, and those who become infected sometimes go crazy and try to bite or beat others (the virus can infect both humans and animals). Scientists say that as many as 70% of the town’s citizens had caught the virus by the end of their rampage – but we’re here to tell you that it’s not as bad as all that!

“It’s important for the public to see that this is just another virus out there. We’re doing everything we can to keep people safe, but remember – there are vaccines out there!” says head scientist Caz Erickson. “We’ve got vaccines for rabies, tetanus, and even the common cold – so don’t lose hope! We’ll get this virus under control.”

The vaccine that Erickson is talking about is still in an experimental stage, but it’s already shown promising results. It will be ready for testing on inmates by next week, at which point we will report back with further information.

This reporter didn’t understand why the CDC was trying to make the virus sound like it wasn’t dangerous, but keep your chin up – there are ways to protect yourself. Get your flu shot today!

That was the gist of the article I finished just a few minutes ago – but all I can hear is screaming and banging on my window, and suddenly that doesn’t seem so trivial anymore. I lock the door and go back to my desk, hitting “save” on the article. I should just turn everything off – but I can’t stop watching it out there. It’s like a mosh pit of flesh and blood and bone, scratching their way towards me as they moan and groan.

My door gives first – not even locking it could help against the sheer weight of the bodies pushing against it. I hear them falling to the floor as they fill my room, but I can’t stop to look. My laptop isn’t even open anymore, its battery long since died – but I need to get this out before it all goes dark.

I’m not sure if anyone will ever read these words, but that’s okay – at least I’ll know. One of them gets up and stumbles into view, blood pouring from his face like tears down a child’s cheek.